Sunday, December 18, 2011

Deedee's Airport Adventure Part 1

I dont know exactly where I am right now. I could probably look at my ticket and see but it just seems like too much energy to waste right now.

While I had planned on sleeping during my flight, hence was the purpose of the almost all nighter I pulled last night, I was very disappointed to learn that there was a very slim chance of this happening when I boarded my plane to find that I was boxed in by small children. In my seat (which is what I noticed first) was an ethnic woman of some sort... Is ethnic the right word? Orient? Im not sure, she was Japanese or Korean Im pretty sure... Ive never met a Chinese person before though so maybe she was Chinese... But sometimes I like to pretend when its not incredibly important that I know how to tell the difference. I was friends with a Korean nymphomaniac (yes, I meant to say nymphomaniac and am perfectly aware of the meaning of the word, shes another story Ill save for another time) once and she got very angry when people thought she was Japanese. But thats a different story.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, woman of some sort of oriental decent. She had a small infant in her arms. This was alarming and disturbing to me for two reasons.
  1. She was in my seat. I had lucked into a window seat on this flight and had been excited for a nap without having my foot crushed.
  2. She was holding an infant which meant I needed to play my iPod loud so as to not hear the crying that was sure to happen. The baby also already smelled like he had soiled himself and I only hoped that this would be remedied somehow.
Then I noticed her husband/baby daddy sitting in front of me with another child (probably around four years old) sitting in the seat in front of what was supposed to be my seat.

Were I my mother, I would have said something about the fact that she had taken my seat but I decided I was too tired to care.

Then I noticed the seven year old behind me and another mother with infant across the isle.

It was already a bad day.

The infants, surprisingly, were not my biggest issue, only twice did both of them cry. And when one started to cry, the other did too. The oriental woman's method for calming her child was to make weird clicking noises at it which did not seem to help at all but make it worse if anything.

The child behind me wins the award for least problematic person around me.

After about ten minutes on the plane, I decided to try to sleep, partially because I was tired, and partially because the woman had pulled the shade down which only managed to irritate me more. But this proved difficult as the man in front of me moved around in his seat like a crazy person. I dont know what he was doing. Either he was,
a. Body slamming himself into the back of the seat just to make my life miserable for the entire plane ride.
b. Writing a very angry letter. or
c. Having a violent (yet not deadly) seizure all over the place.

Every time I would manage to get myself comfortable (or as comfortable as one can be trying to sleep with their forehead pressed against the seat in front of them.), he would body slam himself against the back of the seat. This is something I would have expected of the child, not a grown man.

The child diagonal from me began screaming “RAH!” at me from between the seats as I tried to sleep as the small infant began to kick me with the moose adorned foot of his footie pyjamas. When his father told him to stop yelling he got angry and started screaming in a language I didnt understand causing the parents to start scolding him in the same language.

What it sounded like to me was that the child was possessed and screaming in tongues as the parents were performing an exorcism in the devil's language. The mother began making her clicking noises again which I guess is her way of scolding her children. She needs a better method.

What if thats what was really happening you guys!? What if I was just witness to an in flight exorcism!? Im pretty sure that I did.

I was so relieved to get off the plane after what seemed like four hours since I only managed to drift in and out of consciousness while killing brain cells too, im sure, from the man slamming the seat back on my forehead. Even when I eventually put the tray down in front of me, there was no escape because he seemed determined now to not let me sleep, he began to lean back as far as he could every three minutes or so to make faces at the baby. The mother saw this, I know she did, and she did nothing to stop this cruel activity. I think the demon left the child and went into her. Even though she was very polite and sweet when she did talk to me, which was when she very nicely tapped me on the shoulder and asked very nicely if I could let her up to use the bathroom. It was obvious she doesnt speak much english... I think only five people on the plane actually did.

Now here I am safely away from the exorcist family and all small children. After an exciting tram train adventure that took me all over the air port. I've found my gate.

Although I dont know where I am exactly... Im about 95% sure im in Minnesota. But Im not about to stop someone and say “Excuse me, where the hell am I right now?”


People already think Im crazy before I even get a chance to speak.

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